Why is playfulness difficult to embody for me?
I close my eyes and is hard to feel or be playful. I have a yearning to bring more joy or better, to be more joyful in how I live my life, but it is difficult to do. I can in my thinking relate more to bliss as the feeling I feel when I feel whole with the world.
I can flirt with bliss and joy but I is not easy for me to arrive to those states through playfulness which, logically, feels like the shortcut to joy.
Looking back, I did not learn to be playful. I was not taught to be playful or joyful. I was taught to be obedient, well behaved, a good girl. And playfulness in many occasions, was seen as misbehaving.
Additionally, given the violent context I grew up in (Colombia), playfulness and temporary joy were used to escape or minimize the grief and pain generated by the violence and anger. A shallow playfulness became dark humor. A way to ignore the truth and protect ourselves from emotional pain.
In few words, I was not educated to be happy, blissful, joyous, playful.